This Day

As I lay in bed sulking at my lack of weight loss last night, I felt my hip bone, and realized that it is more refined and muscular/shaped/conforming to the bone than I remember it being in...like anytime. Maybe it was than refined at other times in my life, but like I have said before, I have been kind of dissociated from my body, and couldn't really tell you on way or the other.

Yesterday I wore a suit to work and I think three people said that I looked nice. I think it was because I virtually never wear skirts. It is pants for me almost always. The suit I wore was significant because it was the one I wore in 1985 when I was applying to medical school. I don't really know how much I weighed then, because I don't think that I even owned a scale. I just never kept track. It always seemed like bad news to me. Yesterday the skirt was actually too small for me. I didn't actually button it in the back, but no one knew (obviously) and the waist was still tight. However, the jacket fit fine, and the whole outfit nearly fit. So I think in ten more pounds lost, that I should be back at or near my weight when I was around 23 years old.

This morning I am 156. I skipped exercise Monday and I slept in this morning also. I think I can work out and get my nails down tonight because hubby will take the kids to basketball and I will have the opportunity to do those things. Today I am a little constipated (like, who needs to know?), and I say that to complete my obsession with my weight, in describing all of the facts, so to say that while the scale says 156, I think it is safe to say that I am a little less.

Okay, so why the fixation on the weight and the fitness? If I am not focused, it AIN'T GOING TO GET DONE and I want it to get done. Why should I let my dying flesh dictate what I, this eternal being, what I do? My flesh is going in the ground. My soul will live on. "I buffet my body and make it my slave" says Paul. Okay Andrea. Lighten up. Do you have to be so intense?

Later: Turned out to be a good day. I did a massage, nails AND the gym. Now I am making myself vegies and steak and watching American Idol. Gotta let some things go, like anything that isn't burning will have to WAIT. Good day.