I'm okay

Things are okay. Last Thursday I made my weigh-in at 148.8. This week I've been trying to normalize my eating to minimize extremes. Humm.....

Grace works

Nothing I attempt to do or help out my cravings or eating really seems to work (Overstatement - inaccurate statement: black and white thinking - catastrophizing).
I didn't make my “no concentrated sugars until 2008” and can't quite remember where I left off with that. Oh yeah, my son’s ice cream sundae that I bought and he didn’t finish. I have had NutraSweet as well, but not in diet coke or sodas, but they look so good. My rationalization is that in those soft drinks is where I get to drinking a lot of that crap and it is just bad for you and robs you of the opportunity to drink good things instead. But a little NutraSweet here or there isn’t going to kill me.

However, I have sort of made it through this week surviving and am on my way to LA Weightloss now. After my last weigh-in I ate some crap, but not very much. Then over the past several days I have been trying to carefully monitor my intake, fats, and starches. Now this morning is a weigh-in at LA Weightloss. I don't really like how I don't eat or drink before I go and walk in in a dehydrated state, with barely no clothes on to speak of and weigh myself after I emptied by bladder, but if I didn't do all of that there is a few pound weight shift that happens and then the alarm would ring that I was "OUT OF RANGE - VIOLATED - OUT OF RANGE - VIOLATED -OUT OF RANGE - VIOLATED -OUT OF RANGE - VIOLATED -OUT OF RANGE - VIOLATED -OUT OF RANGE - VIOLATED" and you know how when you walk out of Target and the dumb alarm rings and you need to step back into the store and the security officer makes sure you haven't stolen anything, but they never do anything to the clerk who keeps forgetting to void the alarm trigger from the package you just bought? That alarm? Well, that is like the alarm that goes off in my head, and by the reaction (I anticipate) in the LA Weightloss police and security personnel it is the (silent) alarm that they hear as well. So, I go in dehydrated with no clothes (next time I will ask to strip down to my panties and bra - will I?) so I can make my goal weight.

The last time I was in, I met the goal range and the (exploitive) clerk asked me if I wanted to get back down to the 145. I exclaimed, "No! I am only trying to stay within the weight range of 145 to 150 so BACK OFF LADY!" I am reminded of the song, "The things we do for love."

Have a nice day - filled with God's grace and laughter!

"Let's put my foot in my mouth along with a whole lot of food!"

Last PM I had my son's left-over (can you believe that?) ice cream sundae. Life is hard. Today was about a 5-6 out of a 10, got a "C-" at the dinner hour. I don't want to talk about it. I exercised 4 hours so far this week. That was good.

Off and Running and "Oh, that is much too powerful for me"

At LA Weightloss today I made my weight range! 148.6!!! I am so relieved. Now I am back on track in their Maintanence Program. They didn't even catch me going out of range.

Now, I have not been perfect regarding the new perimeters that I set up for myself regarding no nutrisweets, concentrated caffeine sources, concentrated sugars, but I've been pretty darned close. And in the meantime, I've grown to enjoy sardines! Last night I ran to some nutrisweet jello I had in theL"

What's up?

I think that when I reached my goal weight this time around at LA Weightloss, I just went CRAZY with all of the fun food that I felt that I had been deprived of. Last time I was in LA Weightloss (about 2 years ago) and reached goal weight (which was 10 pounds heavier than most recent goal weight) I had a lot more self control.

They say that those who are in addiction, when relasping, the addictive behavior, once relapsed, comes back more forcefully and more quickly.

Beginning Oct 1, I quit the trigger foods that cause me to spin out of control (see mandates #1 and #2 below) and this has helped me be more in control.

Currently I am out of town and do not have a scale, but I believe I am above the 5 pound weight range from the goal weight, so that if I went back for a follow-up visit to LA Weightloss at this time, I would need to go back to the diet and get back within range.

I'll be back in town tomorrow. I am hoping to go back on the LA Weightloss then. I have a follow-up visit for Thursday. If I am still above goal weight range, I think I will just follow their advice as to what to do next. Then, once I am back in goal weight range, not go crazy with my eating behavior but continuing to follow the three basic mandates:

no concentrated sweets
no excess fullness when eating
4-6 hours exercise per week (as permitted - not a cardinal rule)

That is the plan for now.

Bought with a price

What should I whine and complain about today? Well, I am on a trip and don't know how much I am weighing these days. I haven't exercised in 5 days. I have not eaten caffeine, nutrisweet or concentrated sweets at all or to any reasonable degree since my last entry. I see the sugary stuff and I think how it is like heroin in my veins to me, which it really is.

What a road we food addicts are on! How did it get this way?

I do feel physically bloated. I am worried, I suppose, about getting down enough so I am not out of my goal weight range by the time that I go back to LA Weightloss in about 9 days. I am worried that I am eating too much, although I think I am doing okay, roughly.

I had an interesting little encounter the other day. I met someone during a pot luck event and they commented on what I ate and said, "that's why you are so skinny." I told her that I used to weigh 220 pounds. She said, "that is incredible," and looked a bit astonished. She asked how I did it, and I told her a little bit about my eating habits. She said, "Ohhhh..." with a disappointed look.

People don't really want to pay the price. Eating is fun. I'd "eat" too if it weren't for a few pitfalls:

-I don't like feeling controlled by something greater than myself unless it is God.
-I don't much like the way I look when I am fat. It doesn't feel like the "me" I had known and loved.
-I don't like the way the clothes don't fit right when I am fat.
-I don't like the subtle feelings of disrespect because I am not in control of what I put in my mouth. I eat in secret and the fat is out in public, on display. Being fat is an announcement of my "issues."
-I really like the way my husband likes my body now, although he has always liked me.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.
-I didn't like the fact that I was in bondage.

With love, Andrea

New Idea

On Sunday, October 1, 2006, I set out some new "rules" for eating. In summary, I gave up concentrated sweets, nutrisweet and concentrated caffeine. For me, it is like a strong drug. It is distracting and keeps me from other things. Sugary foods and being overly full keeps my mind focused on earth, because I think about food so much and love it so much. Specifically I love the chocolate and sugar rush, and the comfort of feeling full. Also, those food stuffs keeps me satiated in a drug sort of zone. Also, when I eat crap, I lose my appetite for actually good foods. You should have seen me, I was outta control last week. My scale says 150 now, but I could say it is cloaser to 149.5. Yeah, I'm extreme, I guess. But really, I think my decision to put some things "off limits" is best, because I really am a food addict. Some people don't like to declare things like that, but it is true. As far as being extreme, so what? So what is new?

Actually, I didn't quit forever. Just until 1-1-08, 15 months.

"All things are permissible, but not all things are benefitial."

"If your right hand offends you, cut it off..."

God Bless!