This Day

As I lay in bed sulking at my lack of weight loss last night, I felt my hip bone, and realized that it is more refined and muscular/shaped/conforming to the bone than I remember it being in...like anytime. Maybe it was than refined at other times in my life, but like I have said before, I have been kind of dissociated from my body, and couldn't really tell you on way or the other.

Yesterday I wore a suit to work and I think three people said that I looked nice. I think it was because I virtually never wear skirts. It is pants for me almost always. The suit I wore was significant because it was the one I wore in 1985 when I was applying to medical school. I don't really know how much I weighed then, because I don't think that I even owned a scale. I just never kept track. It always seemed like bad news to me. Yesterday the skirt was actually too small for me. I didn't actually button it in the back, but no one knew (obviously) and the waist was still tight. However, the jacket fit fine, and the whole outfit nearly fit. So I think in ten more pounds lost, that I should be back at or near my weight when I was around 23 years old.

This morning I am 156. I skipped exercise Monday and I slept in this morning also. I think I can work out and get my nails down tonight because hubby will take the kids to basketball and I will have the opportunity to do those things. Today I am a little constipated (like, who needs to know?), and I say that to complete my obsession with my weight, in describing all of the facts, so to say that while the scale says 156, I think it is safe to say that I am a little less.

Okay, so why the fixation on the weight and the fitness? If I am not focused, it AIN'T GOING TO GET DONE and I want it to get done. Why should I let my dying flesh dictate what I, this eternal being, what I do? My flesh is going in the ground. My soul will live on. "I buffet my body and make it my slave" says Paul. Okay Andrea. Lighten up. Do you have to be so intense?

Later: Turned out to be a good day. I did a massage, nails AND the gym. Now I am making myself vegies and steak and watching American Idol. Gotta let some things go, like anything that isn't burning will have to WAIT. Good day.

Partial Fast Monday

Today is Monday, and that means that it is my partial fast day. I dreaded it in a way, but made it through. I decided that I want to do this, because, to put it in the words of Paul, "I buffet my body and make it my slave." Why should the londings of my flesh dictate so much of what I do and think?

I am so weak and needy in this world. Kind of like a fish that goes bad two days or less after it dies; it just disintegrates into water and eyeballs. Being so dependent upon what I eat that when I don't eat, I realize that God sustains me moew than I have been realizing.

When I am fasting, I don't think as clearly. But God is building me up in His power.
When I am fasting, I realize how dependent I am that He lets everything go alright, and that He does. There is so much I could talk about but I want to sleep. I am so tired. I will talk about that in my other site today. Onward.

I got to ride my bike! I went around a large block. 5.7 miles in about 33 minutes. I tried to maintain good back posture.

I think my scale is stuck. It is 157.5! But I'm letting that go. I know that I am getting healthy. I'm learning about my own lusts regarding my desire for the weight loss.

I remember when my scale was stuck for like 4 months at 172 pounds. I even threw myself a spa day party for the 50 pound weight loss, but only had lost 45. It was there I realized that I could do nothing of myself. It would be a gift of God when/if I lost more, and what I needed was humility upon the loss and thanksgiving to God, not a personal party to myself and my flesh!

So in waiting we learn things of God, important and eternal things.

If the scale remains stuck, I think I will continue the Maker's Diet for the five more weeks and go to LA Weightloss for the additional ten pound loss, if the Lord wills.

So much striving and planning of the flesh that I do! Relax in the water, Andrea, relax.

Why?

I started the day in spin class. After 45 minutes, I went to a second class. As I viewed myself in the stretch (yoga) class mirrors during the 80 minute class (yieks!), I saw improvement from two weeks ago. However, it still is quite a shock to see the fat rolls. I viewed my body and analyzed from where I would be losing my ten pounds. Saddle areas (side of thighs), hips, calves. I was surprised how hefty my calves seem. I was pleased to see my flat tummy.

Dissociating oneself from ones own body is a step fat people take at some point. I had taken that step years ago, and now I am trying to reassociate myself.

I've been turning down all starch products for many days now and sticking to phase one of the Maker's Diet. I'm feeling stronger.

As my body is about the change to a different level where it hasn't been in 20 years, I ask myself, "why?" "why not just stay in this place?" I hear myself thinking, "you don't want to lose more weight."

Paul said, "I buffet my body and make it my slave." Was it Paul who said, "He who has suffered in the body is done with sin."? I remember memorizing that verse when I walked a marathon a few years ago. Oh my. I almost sound like an athelete. God's grace. His sense of humor. There's the elephant's ears, the girafe's neck and my body transformation. Only God could think of such things and carry them out.

It will be healthier for me to lose ten pounds. A loss of ten pounds will put me smack in the middle of "normal" on BMI and height/weight charts.

I give up these hopes and desires to the Lord Jesus Christ and ask Him to reign in my mortal flesh. Jesus, if it be possible, and I know because of Your power it is, glorify Yourself in my body. Amen.

Having Fun

155 today, but it feels on the down trend.

Hope to walk and bike this afternoon.

Looking forward to healthy eating and going out to dinner with my husband later.

Glad my clothes are fitting better.

You don't know how good it feels to discover that you have a woman's body at 43 years of age. It is like you had a package but never knew how to open the box. It is a gift to be a woman, made and designed by God Almighty. It is NOT second place. It used to feel that way. Then my God changed my mind, transformed my mind with truth and reality.

I feel like the man who wrote the Maker's Diet, in that he feels like he is on a mission to help people be healthy. I feel like I have discovered something that hardly anybody knows, WHAT A WOMAN IS but hardly anybody cares either. Kind of like he must have felt. Like, he thinks people should cut down on their use of plastic and deodorant and the world (including me, goes, "hugh?"), but should he just not share the conclusions that he has some too, just because they are...peculiar?

Yesterday was hard. I turned down lasagna and great looking desserts. I'm trying to stick to Maker's Diet phase one for 2 more weeks but I am having yogurt which isn't technically allowed. Now I'm in spin class. Scale was 156-57 this AM. I don't want that thing playing head trips with me. I just want to stay on Maker's Diet for total of 6 weeks with 5-6 days a week of significant exercise. Then in 6 weeks I'll see where I'm at, which I think will be around 148 or so and then I'll figure out what to do next. Trying to eat healthy with good food choices. Trying to enjoy being the woman God created me to be in everyday life at work in my professional role as a woman and in my private life with my husband, children and kids. The devil isn't happy with all this. Well, he can go to hell. I'm living for Jesus. Out for now.

ups and downs and the start of two more weeks

Yesterday the scale was 156 and I got my period. It is weird how the scale moves all around. It can play head trips with you. The morning after the partial fasting day the scale was up a few pounds, and all I ate the day before was a steak, a glass of wine and broccoli for dinner. I did exercise like 95 minutes or something that partial day also. But the scale went up. Often times when I exercise a lot the scale goes up, especially the next day. I think it must be from water retention due to the inflammation from the increased muscle activity or some related process. Anyway.

Because the scale can do goofy things, if you follow it too closely, as in thinking that it will always give away your secrets right away, you can get into bad habits as far as cheating with the food and exercise plan, and then gain five to seven pounds over time and wonder how that happened. Also, you can work really hard for several weeks and think that nothing is happening.

The last couple of days, I've been feeling like something is happening, and I have been encouraged. I have been continuing The Maker's Diet, phase one. I am hoping to do it two additional weeks, of which I am on day one of these additional two weeks. Then I hope to go to phases two and three. My goal is 143-145. Wow. That would be something. All praise and honor and glory to God. Gotta go.

153

153 this AM! Maybe I won't have to go to LA Weightloss to get to 143 & keep it there.

I am going to stay on this Maker's Diet phase one for a while longer, maybe 2 more weeks and see where I am at. If I lose another 6 pounds, I'd be 147 & can go to phase 2 & by the end of phase 3 I should be 143. It's worth a try.

Today is partial fast day, which is, frankly scary. But today as I saw the grapefruit on my kitchen counter, I thought to myself, that if I couldn't make it, I could snack on a grapefruit, not the end of the world!

Today I get to clean all day, after I finish a report that will take 2 hours or less. Right now I am exercising at the club - want to try to make it a daily habit.

"Mary has chosen the best part & it will not be taken from her." I'm going to chose good things to do with my time, like being a steward of the body God gave me, to honor Him & my husband with my body. God will honor that.

This is what I want to eat with my meal of the day...oh, maybe my family will get something for me, oh, Lord, I give it to You, plan my meal for today and I thank you for it. Help me to pray to You each time I am hungry today. Work inYour creation today, Amen.

Steak, eggs and berries for breakfast, 30 minutes of stretch exercises begins my day.

I want to take the extra 15 minutes per day and put on makeup each AM at home rather than in my car. I want to buy a mirror on a stand for my dresser to aid in this. I want my eye shadow to be a little less thin.

Okay. Here's the scoop. I'm trying not to feel guilty for getting a fancy enzyme facial and a pedicure while I'm at this work conference. I'm working on actual work reports into the night to off-set the expense and the guilt.

I'm thinking about repeating a week of phase one of The Maker's Diet, since I went off the diet to some degree while I've been at this conference. Also, I figured out that LA Weightloss and The Maker's Diet are actually enough alike that I can pretty much do the latter within the framework of the former. I think I need to go sit in that lobby and turn over a book of secret notes of all that I ate to get down to 145 and keep it off a year. I just haven't been that low in like, almost 20 years, maybe longer.

I exercised this AM for 30 minutes. I think I need to write another instalation of "MY FOOD AND MY BODY" for my other site. Also I have new insights I want to blog on, like "how to, specifically, glorify God in your body - one possible scenerio," applying the Rebecca and Abraham's servant role-modeling directives and "from not being held to being unable to be able to be held to being out-of-touch with one's body, to being afraid of one's body, to 'how to modulate emotions by food and by the blob of your body' - an ordinary woman's journey."

So much to blog, so little time. I'm kind of surprized this doesn't interest anybody but me. I guess I wish and pray that a similar minded, not over-bearing, Christian, who liked learning about fitness and her body, eating and being a woman would drop by my blog and talk with me, but until then, I'll keep you up to date!

I'm at a conference

I've been trying not to totally blow my diet at this conference and have had some successes but not fully so, but oh well. I ran away from the ice cream bars at 3:00 and got a grapefruit and avocado from my room. Yesterday I did walk rapidly on treadmill for 30 minutes. Today I hope to do stretch exercises for awhile. I think I will overeat and not fully follow the Maker's Diet while I'm here, but who can (wants to) turn away shrimp with cocktail sauce?

Today in the shower I happened to touch my back and realized it is more taunt. My legs and waist are chucky but I just gotta keep going. It is important not to be too frustrated with myself, after all, it IS ultimately a losing battle. But when compared with myself a few years ago, there is a huge difference and I am going to enjoy that.

Feeling better, feeling good

155 this morning, but it may be even less when it actaully is this morning, as now it is in the middle of the night. The Maker's Diet said that in the beginning of the diet you may feel kind of bad, but then start feeling better than you had felt before you started the diet and that is starting to prove true for me so far it seems. I did work out yesterday and do the spa (at night) but didn't get to pray with my friend like I had wanted, but I got everything else done. I think the release of food from my psyche may be happening. God bless America.

Real Life Adaptations

Today I was 155 on the scale. I did a partial fast yesterday as was requested through the Maker's Diet protocol. All I ate was an Asian Chicken Salad. It was difficult, but I think having a partial fast once a week will be good. (What am I saying!) I am hoping that it will help me be able to CONTROL MY EATING HABITS AND BEHAVIOR.

I read in the Maker's Diet, that when in the maintenance phase (after week 4), there are starches like breads and barley that can be eaten, but never the refined sugar or flour, and I think that is generally a good idea. But I have an idea for an adjustment. In maintenance, there is organic chocolate that can be eaten a "few times a week." I think that I would like to create my own "Real Life adaptation," and it is as follows: every other day I am allowed one dessert (or is it desert, I can never remember). I can't be a piggy-lie-gross-out-binger, but I can enjoy that "forbidden" stuff, because otherwise I think I will die.

Which leads me to the next point. Can I get to 145 and maintain that, hovering around 143? It would mean that I would have to watch every single thing that I put into my mouth.

That brings me another point still. The scale looks like it isn't really moving and nothing is happening despite the fact that I am working hard, both at my eating and exercise. Conversely, when I started to cheat, cut down on work-outs, eat extra desserts, nothing seemed to happen. It didn't seem to matter that I ate extra here and there.

Ahh, but it did. Eating and exercise patterns - body behavior patterns - things we do to our body, is like charging on a credit care. A little here and there doesn't seem to make a difference, until all of a sudden and then "where did that come from?" And, "I charged this much?" And, "How did I gain 4 pounds all at once?" And, "How come the scale doesn't move no matter what I do?"

Frankly, although I understand how credit cards work, I don't understand how the body chemistry stuff works.

Regarding how the fasting experience was for me fasting, I am going to talk about that in my other blog site today, Lord willing.

My issues for today:

I want to try out the spa that finally has hot clean water in it, but that will take 10-15 minutes, but I should see it as healthy relaxation.

I want to eat chicken soup that I made the other day. I want the "bad yogurt" that I am never supposed to eat, but I already bought it and it tastes so good. I should just eat it and then not buy it anymore. I want to eat a grapefruit. These are the things I am thinking about in terms of my immediate breakfast/fuel needs. Lunch is an Asian Chicken Salad at a meeting that is already scheduled/happening today. Then maybe I will have a Burger Kind grilled chicken salad when I take the kids to karate classes and the store. For snacks, I think I will eat a lot of grapefruit. I love grapefruit, but don't like peeling them too much. Peeling is actually relaxing, but it takes a lot of time. Maybe I'll peel lots of grapefruit while I am in the spa. I would like to eat berries, but they are so expensive. My diet right now only allows for certain types of fruit - pretty restrictive.

Lastly, I want to prioritize two more things in my day - prayer/Word of God and exercise. I didn't go to the AM work-out because I needed to make V-day cards with the kiddies this AM. There are some AM classes that I may have time to hit. I would also like to pray with my friend Sandra on the phone. If I do all of that, then I should/may run out of time to do the rest of my "required duties." Oh well. Do what is most important and the rest will just have to wait.

Dear Jesus,

Help me do the things that You would have me to do today. Cause me to be fruitful and productive in Your sight, all the while not striving and going after the things that the heathen do. You bless my activity. Be with my kids and family in a great way. In Your name, Amen.

Good Morning!

The run-down: The scale popped back up. I'm thinking that it has to do with two things. One is Portion size ("oh, Andrea, that's maybe that's...like obvious") and the other is water retention/muscle development (the stand by excuse) due to all the exercise on Sat AM. Well, whatever. I'm (trying to) stay focused. Partial fast on the Maker's Diet today.

I'm in spin class now. My legs are sore from Saturday. Oh, BTW, I loved all the mirrors in yoga class Sat. Showed me all my excess body fat and how far I want to go both with regard to body shape and in terms of being limber.

I better go because my phone only will send so much data before cutting off. God be with me. And you!
x

Another day of grace received

Boy, am I tired! It is almost 11 PM but now is FINALLY the time I have to blog! This has got to be brief because I need some sleep.

I couldn't swallow the green powder. Thankfully, the stuff comes in capsules too. So I bought too bottles for a 94.00 price tag! I was telling my husband how hard it is to swallow my money that way. I take a bunch of pills now, but they aren't really pills. They are actually squashed vegies. All sorts of weird vegies.

I am now 155 as of this morning. I was surprised and happy to see the drop. I had mentioned that my goal was 150, but it is actually 145. Maintaining 145 would mean hovering around 143. That, my friend, would be utterly amazing. Amazing Grace.

I exercised like a crazy person this morning. To me it seemed crazy, but in the club, it didn't seem crazy. It didn't even seem that I could keep up, with the new yoga class I took this morning that is. I went to the spin class for 50 min and then immediately followed that with an 80 min power yoga class.

Noelle asked if I had ideas for staying in shape. I really don't have any, other that begging God and trying not to put off the opportunities He gives you. Also, I like to consider working out as a priviledge, which it is, rather than a chore. It is an honor to have a body that works properly and the time and opportunity to exercise and eat well.

I have finished the first 5 days of the Maker's Diet. I even made some homemade soup today. Oh my. I haven't cooked in a long, long time.

Lots of green powder

I made it through the first day of The Maker's Diet. It is chock-full of nutritious goo. Green power and green pills, brown pills and more. The food I ate was all meats, fruits and vegies. I want to stay on the plan for this six week period and see where I am at.

Yesterday I walked for 17 min and did 10 push-ups (bad ones).

This AM I went to the spin class, ate eggs and vegies and am going to do 10 push-ups. I have a massage scheduled for today, but I got to get another doctor to cover me for an hour at the hospital since I am on call.

Lord, I want to gloify You in my body. Show me where that verse is in the Bible. Make Your word come alive. It is alive. You are alive. Live Your life through me, an unworthy, but still standing vessel. (Maybe that can be the theme verse for this site.)

The Makers Diet

I am starting The Makers Diet today. Let me go weigh myself. Be right back. A tad over 158 pounds. So, I haven't lost any weight since I started this log, but I hav learned a few things and I have gotten into better physical shape, but have further to go in that area as well.

I am short on time. But that is my plan for today.

Sarah Lily

Today I exercised 34 minutes on the stationary bike, ran a few moments on the treadmill and stretched about 10 minutes. While I was on the exercise bike, I was flipping through the channels and turned to a channel where this famous star, I don't know his name but I recognized him, he was gazing and smiling and it turned out that he was gazing and smiling into this lady's naked chest because the next scene was of her leaning over on top of him as he then turned his eyes off her chest and into her eyes. The show split to commercial and I went on to the next station and didn't think more about that (except to wonder if they show that on regular TV in the mornings?) until later when I thought about it again. I'll speak more about it later in this post.

Anyway, as I was in the workout room of the Radisson, I enjoyed their big mirror and the fact that there was nobody around to see me. When I was doing stretching, I saw that my shape is lots and lots and lots better than in the olden days, but I also saw that I am overweight. I see right where I want to lose those ten pounds - in my tummy and sides of my legs.

I decided that it would behoove me to have a full-length mirror in my bedroom. While I was in the shower after working out, I prayed, "Lord, May I have a full length mirror for my bedroom and can you show me where to put it?"

After the shower, text-messaged my husband and asked him if we could put up a mirror and said where I would like it. He said that would be fine. I then phoned our designer and told her what I wanted to do and asked her for her help in getting the right mirror for that spot. I am waiting to hear back.

I think that the mirror will help me when I do workout stretches and exercise DVD's. Also, I'd like to get a better mat to use in the bedroom than the little yoga mat that isn't thick enough. I could slide it under the bed when not in use.

I also want to go to the dermatologist and use resiline and botox treatments, but I am concerned about the finances and the timing for that. "Lord, please give me wisdom and direction in this matter. Amen."

Now back to that man staring at the woman's chest. As we know (but I don’t like to realize just how much this is really true, because all I know is that it makes me anxious) men are very visual creatures. And they like breasts. And I think that it is all very primitive in the cortex, which it is, of course – you know, down in the medulla next to the breathing and heart beat centers (oh my gosh!). Men modulate these drives and are responsible for that – for overriding and redirecting primitive impulses and thoughts, of which, we know, they generally fail at (this may be an exaggeration to make a point or just to be comical, or to let off a little anxiety) but not all of the time do they fail, and for the most part can be decent human animals, I mean people.

But anyway, a man (all men, all husbands) is delighted to get lost into their wives breasts, which somehow seems a little pathetic, but it is true none-the-less. And, furthermore, God has designated the male of the species to have a lot of authority over the things in the household. Authority that he hasn’t given me, though I have tried to persuade Him, but He just won’t change the game rules. If I were God, things would be different, but He didn’t call me up when He was breathing life into the universe.

Anyway, when I was watching the movie with the famous star who was gazing just above the belly button of the co-star, after I flipped that channel, I went next to this other channel that had this plain looking feminist talking out of the TV. She did not look like the type of woman who allows her husband to get lost into her breasts. She looks hostile about the whole thing, and resents the whole idea. I know her well. I lived her once in this lifetime and I am not even that old yet.

Let me tell you about another thing that this mind of mine thought about today. The lilies of the field. They do not labor or spin. Their job is to sit there and look gorgeous which glorifies their Father who made them. The Bible says that the woman is the crown of her husband. Did you ever notice that most normal husbands like it if their wife looks nice? Well, I don't know if all men are like that. My father wasn't but my husband is. When I was fat, wore no make-up and acted like a self-righteous snob, do you know what? My husband still loved me. Isn't that sweet? But now, I want to live a bit further out on the limb. Get a little deeper into trusting God. I want to sit there like the lilies of the field and look gorgeous.

I want to be beautiful on the inside, like Sarah, who trusted God, did what was right and called Abraham her lord upon this earth and obeyed him even when it was to her potential demise. Because she was actually trusting God and He is the One who honored her and kept her safe, even though Abraham put her in danger and did not keep her safe. She was beautiful on the outside in that rulers took her into their concubines when she was old. She was beautiful on the inside. I Peter 3 says we should be like Sarah who was a holy woman of old who trusted God.

Today I ate 2 fried eggs, hash browns with ketchup and dry toast and decaffeinated coffee. I ate at 11:15 EST. It is now almost 3 PM and I am going to eat a gooey treat from Starbucks and water. Then I will go to the Louisville airport and prepare to fly to California. I will do some work in the plane in route and will also do some leisure reading and Bible reading, Lord willing. I will have the countenance of Sarah by God's grace, who looks after me because I trust in Him.

I am looking for a specific diet plan to take off the 10 pounds. I am waiting and trusting on the Lord about the dermatologist procedures. I enjoy being a woman. Just call me Sarah Lily.

I'm on the stationary bike on the 3rd floor of the hotel. There are 3 other women in the room with me. One is running about 8-9 mph or some crazy speed on the treadmill. I hope she doesn't have a "treadmill encounter" or some sort of accident. I'm not refreshed on my CPR & have always prayed that God wouldn't put me into that situation. "Step back, I'm a psychiatrist!"

The 2nd woman just left. Well, what I wrote this morning got cut off - that happens a lot when I use my wireness cell-phone connection.

I exercised 30 min on the bike and 20 min on treadmill. I should do more stretching type exercises.

I ate: Starbucks gooey brownie thing, a decaf coffee, 290 cal worth of sunflower seeds and a small McDonald's hamburger with extra ketchup and lots of water.

Maybe instead of joining LA weight loss to lose these extra ten pounds (which I still may do) I will do the Maker's Diet. I bought two books today - Dr. Phil's weightloss book and The Maker's Diet. I am hoping to read them on the plan home tomorrow.

Dinner is still left. I hope that I go easy. Thank You, Lord. Go with me.

Good Day! Don't think me a fool! Don't think of me as weak as I am! Don't criticize ANYTHING I do or eat by saying anything about it! This is what I ate and did:

I ate nothing when I just woke up, but blogged my story in, "Adventures of an Ordinary Christian." Then I ate nothing until I ate at the mall with my daughter. She went shopping and I dictated medical reports while sitting at the food court. (She knew just where I would enjoy myself.) She said, "I'll meet you at the food court." I happened to already bring my food, because that is the kind of person that I am. Actually, I was going to do my reports in the car, so I was going to eat there, but she convinced me to go into the mall, because she had a friend of hers who's dad actually died because he sat in the car while it was snowing (because it was actually snowing today, as I was in Kentucky)due to the fumes from the car heater. So, that is why I happened to have my food with me, because I wasn't planning on going into the mall.

While walking to the food court, I walked past a cute dress, and noticed that the name of the store was from that cute store that I had gotten cute clothes from several months ago (from a different mall in California, where it doesn't snow, except in the mountains). I found that the cute skirt that I had paid, like, 159.00 for was on sale for 19.00! Go spit up, already! So I asked the lady, after carefully tucking my grapefruit, apple and protein bar away so she couldn't see it (how embarassing that would be), if I could like, get some sort of refund, because, I, like actually paid full price. She said, "Of course, if you bought it within 14 days." Well, I bought it like 3 months ago, but that is still, like no fair! But the skirt is really cute. It is gold and made of a velvety fabric and kind of short. Something that would NEVER have fit may body image anytime in the past, say for the past approximately 17 years, up until like 18 months ago.

So, there I was at the food court and I ate a Hogen Diaz bar, a grapefruit, an apple, a protein bar. Later, back at the hotel room I ate another protein bar and a type of....large tangerine (it was some sort of hybrid citrus thing - you know, round, this one happened to be orange. No seeds were in it of course because seeds don't come in genetically altered fruit - otherwise, why bother with the genetic alteration!

I didn't eat again until dinner and this is what I ate: Salmon salad. MMMMmmmmm. It had mozerella cheese in it and tomatos with a balsamic vinegerette dressing. I had gin and tonic (!). I ate in the hotel dining room and nobody was there except me. I dictated more of my report onto my telephone before and after the meal. For me, that was fun. I ate a dessert (my 4th grader boy knows the difference between desert and dessert, but not his doctor-mother, don't tell him - though he knows his mother can't spell well, I don't want him to realize just how desperate the situation really is!). Did I spell it right, dessert? Okay, so I have a learning disability, it has nothing to do with IQ.

But this is how come I said not to criticize me because I felt like I ate so much food, and I did eat a hardy dinner, but I didn't do too bad earlier. But how am I going to get down to my 150 pounds?????????????????????????????????????????????

Later: well, it is now about five hours latr and I am still feeling a bit full from dinner. Bloated actually. But I got a good idea, and that is to re-enter LA weight loss and get down to 148 pounds. Then I'll be set. Everyone needs a little help now and then. I do.

I ate a fairly big breakfast, sort of, but now I am holding off on eating a bit. I am planning my diet for the rest of the day. I am thinking of several things:
Can I make it to 150?
Wouldn't it be fun to exercise everyday while I am on this trip and then to return home and be committed to nearly daily vigorous exercise?
How does the Lord, that is, what wisdom does the Lord have for me regarding how I should eat day by day?
Should I try to incorporate any new ideas into my regimen?
I want to avoid stupid eating.
Fun eating is fun, healthy eating is healthy, stupid eating is dumb.
Is there any way I can change my eating that would be best?
I want to get the lines in my face fixed by my dermatologist in the next several months. I think that will mean Resaline and Botox and $1000.00.
I should change the name of this log to incorporate "beauty" and something about "woman."

Later: Well, I held off and didn't eat until late and had a cupcake and a diet root beer and freely enjoyed it. You know, I know thin people who enjoy their fun food. They just eat in moderation. Also, exercise is a real good idea. Hardy exercise. It has been a few hours, and I think soon I will eat some fruit. Maybe a piece of fish. In any event, don't pick on me and my food. Or else I'll go eat in private (that is what fat people love to do, worship their food in private - well, it is a form of worship, but usually they don't even eat it slowly enough to taste it. I know.)

Later: So I changed the name of the site. I ate salmon and asparagus for dinner, with a little rice goo (not much). Skipped the salad that came with the room service. I'll eat it tomorrow - hopefully the salad won't be wilted, much. The dressing is on the side. Now I am going to go exercise. Then to bed.

This site should have "Ordinary Woman." I think that I will change it again.

breakfast: protein and carb bar, apple and grapefruit
lunch: mcd salad
snack: protein bar

keeping focused.
Thank You Lord for changing me. Give me a fixed mind on Thee. I want to live in the realm where You are watching me and I live for You. How do You want a woman to walk and go in my culture? To be beatiful and innocent, lovely and pure, steadfast and confident. Make me into Your woman. Make me womanly in You, Lord.
ADDENDUM: for dinner: french onion soup, cheesecake.
exercise: 105 min on bike, cooldown on teadmill, stretch
felt good & hungry as I drifted off to sleep.

I'm a little constipated. Sorry. That sounds bad. But I have to eat my prunes or get a fiber supplement when I am dieting because I get bound up. I'm off to my trip. I am taking along fruits and bars and carrots. I was 158 this AM but constipation really adds the weight. Love all of my excuses? Well, I used to be 220, so I am not going to fret because it is a little challenge for me to get down to 150. 155 was my goal weight that I had maintained, but I think 150 is better.